Aug 26th 2003 - 10:53:50pm
By : [Laus]Freshman
Oil Change instructions for Women:
1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the last oil change.
2) Drink a cup of coffee.
3) 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.
Oil Change $20.00
Oil Change instructions for Men:
1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a check for $50.00..
2) Stop by 7 - 11 and buy a case of beer, write a check for $20....00, drive home.
3) Open a beer and drink it.
4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7) Place drain pan under engine.
8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
9) Give up and use crescent wrench.
10) Unscrew drain plug.
11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process. Cuss.
12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms.
Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.
13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.
14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.
15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.
16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.
17) Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him. Decide to finish oil change tomorrow so you can go see his new garage door opener.
18) Sunday: Skip church because "I gotta finish the oil change." Drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car. Cleverly dump oil in hole in back yard instead of taking it back to Kragen to recycle.
19) Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.
20) Beer? No, drank it all yesterday.
21) Walk to 7-11; buy beer.
22) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.
23) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
24) Remember drain plug from step 11.
25) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
26) Remember that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard, along with drain plug.
27) Drink beer.
28) Shovel out hole and sift oily mud for drain plug. Re-shovel oily dirt into hole. Steal sand from kids sandbox to cleverly cover oily patch of ground and avoid environmental penalties. Wash drain plug in lawnmower gas.
29) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill.
30) Drink beer.
31) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame.
32) Bang head on floorboards in reaction to step 31.
33) Begin cussing fit.
34) Throw stupid crescent wrench.
35) Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit Miss December (1992) in the left boob.
37) Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required to stop blood flow.
40) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
42) Lower car from jack stands.
43) Accidentally crush remaining case of new motor oil.
44) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during steps 23 - 43.
46) Test drive car.
47) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.
48) Car gets impounded.
49) Call loving wife, make bail.
50) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.
Impound fee $75.00
-- But you know the job was done right
Aug 26th 2003 - 04:05:39pm
By : Gune
Matematikprøve hved voldsmose skole:
Jamael har en AK-47 med et 40-skuds magasin. Hvis han misser på 6 af 10 skud og skyder 13 skud på hver drive-by, hvor mange drive-by`s kan han foretage, før han skal lade om?
Sahjeed har 50 gram kokain, og han sælger 30 gram til Muhammed for 25.000 kr.
Han sælger 12 gram til Abdullah for 15.000 kr.
Hvad er restværdien af hans kokain, hvis han ikke fortynder den?
Ayatollah er alfons for 3 ludere. Hvis prisen er 400 kroner for hvert knald, hvor mange knald må hver luder lave hver dag, for at Ayatollah
skal kunne købe heroin for 4400 kroner pr. dag?
Ahmed vil fortynde ½ kg heroin for at tjene 20 % mere. Hvor mange gram rottegift skal han bruge for at kunne det?
Raul aftjener en straf på 8 år for overlagt drab. Han fik 220.000 kroner for drabet.
Hvis hans kone bruger 7000 kroner om måneden, hvor mange penge har han tilbage når han kommer ud af fængslet, og hvor mange år får han for at myrde kællingen, som har brugt alle hans penge?
Aug 26th 2003 - 02:55:36pm
Aug 26th 2003 - 12:02:51pm
Aug 26th 2003 - 11:46:13am
Aug 26th 2003 - 11:40:34am
Aug 26th 2003 - 05:59:59am
By : [Laus]Freshman
"When a man spends his own money to buy something for himself, he is very careful about how much he spends and how he spends it. When a man spends his own money to buy something for someone else, he is still very careful about how much he spends, but somewhat less what he spends it on. When a man spends someone else's money to buy something for himself, he is very careful about what he buys, but doesn't care at all how much he spends. And when a man spends someone else's money on someone else, he doesn't care how much he spends or what he spends it on. And that's government for you."
--Economist and Nobel Laureate Milton Friedman
Aug 26th 2003 - 01:20:57am
By : [Laus]Tha PinK
hmm...gune nice nok! men lad mig omskrive den lidt *Gg*
Fader vor, du som er i Urban Terror
hellige vorde din hit detection
komme dit anti lag system,
ske din vilje på serveren,
så ledes også på min com,
led os ikke ind i ghost bullets
men fri os fra lag,
og tilgiv os vores TK's,
selv om vi ikke tilgiver LAG.
Thi dit er spillet,
og magten over spillerne
i al evighed.
Aug 25th 2003 - 10:45:11pm
By : Gune
Fader vor, du som er i hardisken
hellige vorde dit operativssystem
komme dit flerbrugersystem,
ske din vilje på skærmen,
så ledes også i windows,
led os ikke i systemfejl
men fri os fra virus,
og tilgiv os vores tastefejl,
selv om vi ikke tilgiver programfejl.
Thi dit er systemet,
og magten over brugerne
i al evighed.
Aug 25th 2003 - 05:15:18pm
By : Gune